Understand the mediator’s role

A mediator helps identify issues and explore possible agreements; the mediator does not decide the case as a judge would. A neutral mediator is not your individual lawyer. Ask about the process, fees, participation requirements, and opportunities to obtain separate legal advice. A court referral or a scheduled session should not be confused with an obligation to accept a particular settlement.

Discuss safety and suitability first

Mediation is not appropriate for every family dispute. Domestic violence, coercion, child abuse, or a serious power imbalance can make ordinary joint negotiation unsafe or ineffective. Raise concerns privately with your lawyer and the program before participation. Do not assume that being able to speak politely in one meeting means each person can negotiate freely or disclose financial information without fear.

Prepare information rather than a script

Bring current orders, a list of open issues, and records that support the financial or parenting discussion. Distinguish a confirmed fact from an estimate or an item still needing disclosure. Identify your practical priorities and the reasons behind them. For example, a school-day pickup concern may be better understood through work hours and travel time than through a general demand for a particular schedule.

Ask about confidentiality and documentation

Before sharing sensitive information, ask what the program’s confidentiality rules cover, their exceptions, and what may be reported to the court. Clarify whether a proposed document is a discussion summary, a draft agreement, or something intended for signature. Keep notes of unresolved points and requested records. Do not assume that every statement or document has the same legal treatment simply because it appears during mediation.

Review any agreement before relying on it

Take time for independent legal review of proposed terms, including details that may have seemed routine during a session. Ask how parenting, support, property, and tax provisions interact and what court approval or filing is needed. A mediator’s summary is not itself a divorce judgment. If some issues remain unresolved, clarify what happens next and continue to observe existing orders and scheduled court dates.

A little preparation helps

What to bring together

  • Existing orders and a clear list of issues to discuss.
  • Financial records or school and work schedules relevant to those issues.
  • Questions about suitability, confidentiality, fees, and separate advice.
  • A plan for reviewing drafts and completing any required court steps.

References: New York State Unified Court System, Divorce Mediation, Mediation in Family Court, and Part 160, Alternative Dispute Resolution in the Trial Courts. Program availability and procedures should be confirmed locally.